


history does not repeat itself, but it rhymes

by littleleotas



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 07:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5820319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleleotas/pseuds/littleleotas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've seen much conjecture about Thane talking to Garrus post-Eye for an Eye about the similarities between Irikah and Shepard but I haven't seen anyone flesh it out so...I did the thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	history does not repeat itself, but it rhymes

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Thank you to my husband, the real-life Garrus Vakarian, for his invaluable input in the workings of Garrus's head. I maintain you are both very silly men but I appreciate being able to actually talk to Garrus about how he thinks.
> 
> 2\. This isn't actually Thane/Shepard/Garrus but I ship it and you can tell. I apologise for nothing.
> 
> 3\. I don't typically write fic at all and I'm a frightened smol pls be kind :x

Garrus stormed through the Normandy making a beeline for the main battery. Blood pounded in his head and he took no notice of anything or anyone around him, his rage blinding him. Somehow he made his way through the mess and into the battery, and as the door closed behind him, he took a breath, suddenly able to see again. Thoughts were racing through his head, mixed with pure adrenaline and anger. Sidonis had escaped, probably for good this time, and he'd never get another chance at revenge.

He'd like to say he couldn't believe Shepard would do this, but he knew her too well for that. Stupid, in retrospect, to think she would have done anything else. Shepard believed in mercy, even and maybe especially when undeserved. She had proven that time and time again: with Saleon, with the rachni queen, with the council. Even to the last moment with Saren she had tried to convince him to help her rather than just shooting him outright. Of course she wouldn't let him shoot Sidonis. Of fucking course.

And where the hell did she get off making this decision for him? She _died_. He wouldn't have even gone to Omega in the first place if she hadn't _died_ and left him with nothing. For all intents and purposes, he died on Omega. It was thoughtless of her to try to bring him back. He wished he had died on Omega. He wished she'd actually died and stayed dead. No, no, he didn't wish that. Fuck.

He realised suddenly that he had just been standing in the battery fuming. He turned with a heavy sigh to the control panel, hoping calibrating the guns would take his mind off of it. But he kept making stupid minor errors, reading over lines three or four times and still not making sense of anything. He slammed the controls off and kicked it for good measure. It helped, a little. Maybe.

On a turian ship, he would know how to fix this. Sparring in the shuttle bay sounded perfect at the moment. But who would he even spar with on the Normandy? Zaeed seemed like a solid choice, but he still wasn't sure whether Zaeed would actually kill him or not. Until he figured out which option he wanted, maybe Zaeed wouldn't be the right choice. Grunt...now there's a frightening thought. Little guy's probably dying to rip a turian skull open. Best table that option, too. Jack? Hm. Not sure being on the receiving end of one of those shockwaves would quite do the trick.

Shepard?

Ha.

He leaned his forehead against the nearest wall and slammed a hand against it. “Fuck,” he said aloud to the empty room.

*-*-*

Garrus had said he knew she wanted to talk, but he needed some time. He had failed to specify how much time, and the waiting and not knowing was driving Shepard mad. She mostly kept her pacing to her own quarters so as not to worry the crew. Anxiety made her restless, and being aboard a ship didn't give you a whole lot of room to work it out of your system.

Luckily, everyone had little errands across the galaxy to run. Aeia for Jacob, Tuchanka for Grunt, Pragia for Jack. The fighting kept her mind occupied, at least for a little while, for which she was grateful. But eventually she found herself back on the ship, hoping against hope that Kelly would tell her Garrus wanted to talk to her. “Is there anyth-” she began.

“Commander, you've asked me that five times in the past half hour.”

“...ah. I should, uh, take a break.”

*-*-*

Thane sat in the mess hall watching Kasumi throw together something that as closely resembled ramen as she could manage with ship rations. She was muttering about the complete absence of lemongrass with a nearly charming vitriol. The battery door opened and Garrus stalked down the long hallway toward them. His eyes were sharp and fiery, but his shoulders hunched over and all the self-confidence and strength he usually carried had left him. Thane watched him as he walked into the mess, pulling dextro rations down from the cabinets. Kasumi looked over at him and, reading his expression, pulled a face that clearly read “yikes” before finishing up her ramen and walking quickly back to the observation deck.

Thane kept his eyes on Garrus. He had noticed Garrus's swift mood change but hadn't mentioned it. Actually, he and Garrus hadn't talked much. A little - words exchanged between snipers during combat, jokes about Shepard's propensity for getting them into trouble - but not much. Mostly Thane was an observer, and what he observed in Garrus was, it seemed, two very different people. Prior to a few days ago, Garrus had been...tired. He had energy for missions, was always on Shepard's six, but there was a lingering exhaustion deep within him. Then something had changed. He was all fire, all rage, powered by a deep hurt, a deep sadness, but inflamed by it. And when he and Shepard got back from the Citadel, clearly something had happened. He didn't know what, but something was eating Garrus alive. It was difficult to watch; he didn't blame Kasumi for fleeing. But he found something about Garrus captivating. He couldn't look away. Perhaps it was like, as he'd heard Shepard say, watching a train wreck; you know something's terribly wrong but you can't make yourself stop watching.

As if his thoughts had summoned her, Shepard stepped through the opening elevator door and made her way into the mess, rubbing at her eyes. She smiled at Thane, and he smiled back. Her gaze shifted toward the cabinets, as if she was purposefully avoiding Garrus. She opened the cabinet next to him, pulled out a small purple box of cereal, and looked cautiously up at Garrus. She said his name, hopefully, as a question, and he didn't respond or acknowledge her at all. He took his food back to the battery without a word. Thane saw the flicker of sadness and disappointment on Shepard's face before the wall went back up, that shield of “Shepard Our Immovable Center” she hid behind but hoped no one noticed. “So, Thane,” she said as she sat down, “I see you're getting out and about.”

He nodded. “You were right. I believe it does me some good to be around the crew.”

Shepard grinned. “Of course I was right, Thane. I usually am.” She pointed her spoon at him. “You should remember that.”

He smiled. “I will.”

She turned back to her food, poking her spoon through it. “Did, uh, Garrus say anything while he was out here?”

Thane could tell she was trying to be nonchalant. It might have worked, on someone else. “No. I sense he is...troubled. But he said nothing.”

Shepard nodded, still looking down at her food. “Well. He'll come around,” she said, still trying that nonchalance. She shrugged as if she were physically shrugging off the subject of Garrus. “Anyway. How are you doing, Thane?”

“Well enough. Doctor Chakwas is doing all she can to help. She is invaluable.”

“She is. You let me know if you need anything, alright?”

“I will.” Thane shifted in his chair. “How are you doing, Shepard?”

She looked shocked at the question. “I'm fine, Thane.” She lowered her eyes. “Don't worry about me.”

He tilted his head slightly. “I do worry about you.”

Shepard looked up at Thane, as if she was searching for something in his face. She bit her lip, shook her head and lowered her gaze. “It'll be fine, it's just...” She looked toward the battery, sadness and longing in her eyes.

“I noticed Garrus has been...unsettled.”

She snorted. “That's a word for it.” Finishing her food, she stood up and took her dishes over to the sink. “It'll blow over. It'll be fine.”

Thane turned toward her. “What is 'it'?”

She paused. “I...I don't know.”

*-*-*

In his dreams, Garrus shot Sidonis. Shepard was nowhere in sight, it was just him, his sniper rifle, and Sidonis. And he pulled the trigger and heard the gun fire, but nothing happened. No bullet left the rifle. He fired over and over and over, but Sidonis just sat there, unaffected. He woke up yelling.

He sat up, burying his face in his hands. He breathed deeply a few times, trying to shake the image of Sidonis. He should've been able to see it, he thinks. In the roughly 10 million times he went over every interaction with Sidonis afterwards, he could see the sorrow and guilt in his face. With Shepard, it wasn't the same. It wasn't sorrow he saw in her face, when he looked back on everything she said as they hunted Sidonis down.

It was fear.

She was afraid of him. Of what he had become. Well, she shouldn't have died then.

It had been a week since the Citadel, and two days since he had even seen Shepard. He had holed up in the battery, only occasionally and not at all regularly emerging for food. This felt like the new normal, almost. He knew Shepard probably still wanted to talk. He still didn't want to. He silently hoped he'd die on this suicide mission, like he should have on Omega, and then neither of them would have to confront this head-on.

For the first time in days he actually felt hungry, rather than just feeling obligated to eat. He walked out to the mess, grabbed some food, and sat down at the table.

“You seem troubled.”

Garrus started, having been totally unaware there was someone else in the mess. As it turned out, he had seated himself directly opposite Thane, who was sitting at the table with a plain white mug of coffee in his hands. Garrus always saw Thane with a cup of coffee but never saw him drink it. For warmth, he guessed.

“If you would prefer not to talk, I understand.”

Garrus sighed. “It's nothing.”

Thane looked at him in an annoyingly piercing manner.

Garrus sighed again. “It's...did you hear about Archangel? On Omega?”

“A vigilante leading a team aiming to take out crime on Omega. A noble cause. Doomed, but. Noble.”

Garrus laughed bitterly. “Yeah. That was me.”

Thane's expression did not change.

“One of my men betrayed m- us. My whole team was murdered because of him. I had tracked him to the Citadel, I was going to return the favour. And Shepard...” He looked aside. “Shepard stopped me. I had him in my scope and she stood between us. Told me to let him go.”

Thane blinked. A corner of his mouth tugged up in a smile, briefly. “Garrus...”

“I know, it was the right thing to do. I wasn't there to do the right thing. I tried that. I tried doing the right thing and taking down the bad guys and it wasn't enough. I screwed it up. Those lives, the lives of my men, that's on me. They deserve justice, and I had a chance to avenge them, to repay the debt I owe them, and-”

“ _Garrus._ ”

Garrus stopped and narrowed his eyes at Thane.

“Let me tell you how I met my wife.”

“I...don't see what this has to do with-”

“Please, Garrus.”

Garrus looked wary, but nodded. Thane closed his eyes, then opened them wide and slipped into a recollection.

“ _Laser dot trembles on the skull. Spice on the spring wind. Sunset eyes defiant in the scope. Her body trembles. Not fear, indignation. Her mouth moves: 'How dare you!'_ It was one of my assassinations. A bystander noticed my spotting laser, and threw herself between me and the target. She couldn't see me, but she stared me down.”

Garrus felt the bottom of his stomach drop.

“I had to meet her. The memory possessed and endowed me. I fell on my knees before her, begged her pardon. She introduced me to the world beyond my work. Eventually, she forgave me. Later, she loved me.”

Garrus's chest felt tight. “She knew your target?”

“No. But she recognised that a great wrong would be done if I took the shot.” Thane paused. “She woke me up.”

Garrus looked bitterly to the side, trying to ignore the pounding of his heart. “It's not the same.”

“I didn't say it was the same. But perhaps it is worth talking to her. Have you known Shepard to do things without good reason?”

“No,” Garrus muttered, quietly and glumly. He stood up and began to walk away, but paused and turned around. “Thane...I appreciate it.” Thane nodded.

Behind the battery's door, Garrus sank to the floor, his back to the wall. He had known, even if he didn't want to recognise it, that Shepard had been right. But Shepard was here, and Sidonis wasn't, and it's easier to be angry at someone who's here than someone who isn't. He was angry at Shepard, and he was angry at himself for being angry at Shepard. He wanted to be angry at Sidonis, but he kept seeing him through the scope, exhausted, listless, and, more than anything, sorry. Garrus hated him for being sorry. One of those shades of grey he doesn't know what to do with.

' _She woke me up,_ ' Thane echoed in his head.

*-*-*

During her rounds over the previous week, Shepard walked up to the battery door, did nothing, and turned around more times than she cared to count. EDI counted 37 times. EDI's plan had been to see how many times Shepard would do this before she cracked, but it turned out EDI cracked first. Shepard approached the door and stood there for a second. EDI opened the door.

Shepard's lips parted in an 'o' of surprise, but before she could escape, Garrus turned around. He flicked his mandibles. “Shepard.”

She snapped her mouth shut, then opened and closed it again. She exhaled deeply. “Garrus, I-”

Garrus held up a hand. “Shepard, I- we should-”

“You said you needed some time-”

“I'm...ready to talk now. As ready as I'm going to be.”

She took a deep breath. “Garrus, I'm not sorry. Maybe it wasn't my call to make, maybe I should've let you take the shot, but-”

Garrus shook his head. “Shepard-”

“No,” she looked up at him with determination in her eyes. “You need to hear this. It might not have been right, but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry, Garrus.” Her voice wavered on her last sentence. When Garrus didn't immediately respond, she continued. “I don't know what Omega did to you but I know who you are. And that wasn't you. The Garrus I know-”

“What if the Garrus you know is dead? What if I'm all that's left? What if I'm all you get?” His eyes were sharp and piercing, his voice hit her like gunfire. Maybe Archangel was someone else entirely.

She shook her head. “I don't believe that.” Her eyes started welling up, and she tried holding back the tears. “I _know_ you, Garrus. I know you're in there. And I know you'd regret it.”

Garrus turned away from her. “You don't understand. I could've made it right. My men are owed blood-”

“I know. 'An eye for an eye.' You know there are two endings to that saying?”

Garrus didn't move. She continued.

“'An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.' The cycle of revenge has to stop somewhere, Garrus.”

He slammed a hand down on the control panel and Shepard jumped. “It _would_ have stopped with Sidonis, no one would avenge him.”

“You don't know that,” Shepard said, tears falling and voice wavering more. “Garrus, you have to let it go. You're wallowing in memories you can't change. You have to learn from it and move on, leave it in the past.”

There was silence in the battery. After a few long moments, Garrus spoke. “I hate it when you're right, Shepard.”

She wasn't expecting that. She laughed. “I'm always right, Garrus.”

He spun around to face her, his face inscrutable. The side of her mouth curled up in a smile, but then she had another thought and the smile disappeared. “Do you hate me?”

“I never hate you.”

She was about to say something else but she immediately forgot what it was as Garrus pressed himself against her in the best possible turian imitation of a kiss. She closed her eyes and leaned into him, kissing him back.

When they broke apart, they looked at each other for a few long seconds. Then Garrus blinked, as if suddenly realising what he'd just done. “Shepard, I'm- uh...”

She chuckled. “I'm not sorry. If that's...what you were about to say.”

He looked at her with a softness in his expression she hadn't seen since he got out of the med bay after Omega.

Shepard began to back up toward the door. “I should, uh...I should go.”

“Shepard...”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

She smiled, one hand on the door. “What for?”

“For everything.”

Her smile grew as she walked out the door.

*-*-*

Thane, seated again at the table in the mess, heard the battery door open.

“What for?” he heard Shepard say.

“For everything,” said Garrus.

He looked toward the battery and saw Shepard, her face flushed red and tear-stained, but grinning. A spring in her step he hadn't seen since before the Citadel. She caught sight of Thane and closed her mouth, still smiling, and kept walking past him.

Thane smiled to himself and closed his eyes. Another _siha_ standing in the scope, another living weapon woken from his battle sleep. He wondered how the galaxy was so good to people like him and Garrus when they did not deserve it. But then, life isn't about what you deserve. For this, he was grateful.


End file.
